Dear Emily

Dear Emily

Over the course of my kids' lives they have had some remarkable friends; people who are interesting, challenging, kind, loving, lovable, special, amazing, and just plain good people. I am honored that some of those people became my other kids, and sometimes, in adulthood, even my friends.

One of those other kids is a woman who is an absolute gem. She is so sweet natured, so full of joy, and has such a loving and kind spirit that she literally shines. She probably doesn't know that, and that makes her even more beautiful. Through some of the really dark days of my life she lifted my spirits with her positive and energetic social media posts about her skating and rock climbing and life adventures, and about her precious fur babies. (I have two words for you, if you need a dog to love vicariously: Pendleton Pumpernickel.)

She's had a rough go lately, battling breast cancer. I will never forget the look on her face in a photo taken the day she shaved her head because fuck chemo, it was not taking her hair from her. The physical, mental, and emotional strength that lets her climb rock walls and do power workouts was evident in the defiant set of her face and the challenging look in her eyes. When I saw that photo I thought "Warrior Woman! You've got this!"

Chemo is over - weeks of hell. Other treatments started, plans in place. A week ago she underwent a double mastectomy. Today she had her drains removed. She is smiling and happy because she can put her own shirt on over her head.

I was going to take a fresh peach cobbler to her the other day. She didn't see my message, and then when she did apologized for missing it. I baked another cobbler today, full of summertime magic, and went to visit her and her own sweet mama and to finally meet the greyhound of my dreams. I messaged her to let her know I was leaving, and would be there in about half an hour. She apologized because I had to travel so far.

I realized then that it might be helpful to her if I shared some of the knowledge and wisdom I have gained since the death of my youngest daughter and other challenging life events I've experienced in the last couple of years. When we were seated in her mom's living room I told her I was going to mom her before I left, and she didn't object. We visited for a while, and when I did finally share some things with her, her mom laughed and said she wished we could record it.

I thought I might like to write about it instead, and with my other kid's permission, here it is.

Dear Emily,

Please accept this momming in the loving way it is intended.

Please don't think you have to apologize to anyone for anything right now. I know you will anyway, because you are a very polite person, but you really don't have to. And you really don't have to feel like you must. It doesn't matter if you are late, or snappy, or missed a message, or vomited in someone's car., or can't eat what someone made you for lunch. Everyone who loves you (and there are so very many of us!) understands the hell that you are going through. You are currently holding a golden ticket; a free pass that allows you to do ANYTHING without having to apologize to ANYONE. We all also know that you won't take advantage of that ticket, or of any person in your life. We know that your brain is foggy, and you are tired, and even in the glow of victory you are still frightened. Its okay. We've got you.

Please allow your beautiful spirit to believe that you are not an inconvenience to anyone. That the side effects of the war you are waging do not include inconvenience. It is not difficult to journey to see you. It would not be a bother to run errands, or pick up something from the store, or bring you ice cream from the Hop if you want it at 3:00 in the afternoon. It is not an inconvenience or bothersome to do any little thing that you or your mom need or want right now, because doing those things is showing you love.

The day of Beth's celebration of life service some friends wanted to help in a way I was not comfortable with (oh, Pride). I agreed to let them help after another friend put his hands on my shoulders and said "Let people show you love. Its the only way they know to help you through this difficult time." I have carried that gentle lesson with me every day since then, receiving and giving love whenever I can. I hope you can pick the lesson up and carry it with you, too.

I told you today that we are in harvest season. The support and encouragement and love you are receiving is the bounty from all the gardens you have tended in the same way. What an amazing thing to see, even from my perspective. There you are, in the midst of it. Savor it. Know you earned it. Put the pieces of it together in your heart the same way you assemble your sweet little bouquets, and let them continue to lift you up and light your way as you have done for so many others.

Much love, always,

Mama Slam