Mother love - the most powerful and visceral proof for string theory and of the failure of time as a linear construct. Wasn't it just yesterday when I first held that quiet, preciously sweet, big blue eyed, so alert and watchful baby? And haven't a billion days and nights of love and worry and joy and pride and anguish and grief passed between that day and this one?
In human measurement, that first day with my babiest girl in this world was 31 years ago today. She was beautiful, born two weeks late in one of the hottest summers on record for central New York. Even though through most of her life she was an absolute joy to be around, she maintained her birth-established behavior and never did anything until she was ready to do it. Sometimes that served her well; other times it destroyed us all.
She became a wise and strong woman, capable of being mindful, but still able to be the joyful and vibrant person who brightened the world with her presence. She was loving and compassionate to others, even when she couldn't be to herself.
I am so grateful for all that this precious and precocious child taught me about unconditional love.
I am so grateful for all that this precious and precocious child taught me about unconditional love.
Every year I give a great deal of thought about what I'm going to write for her birthday. Since she died I have composed a dozen different essays and written four or five poems, and not one of them tells the story the way I want it to be told. Lifelines. Doorways. Winding paths. Darkness. Absolute light. Absolute heartbreak. Absolute love.
For my Beth's 31st birthday, I am going to do my best to make the good things matter. I hope you will do the same. I'm going to spend the rest of the day potting flowers for her memorial garden. Given the history of that garden (the massive deck build of 2017), it seemed fitting to wait until her birthday this year to put the altar and garden in place at Bearpath Cottage.
~~
Some things my mother heart wants you to know:
Write love notes and put them in your kids' lunches. Take the time to read the bedtime story for the 3rd time when she asks you to, even if she can recite the words along with you long before she can read. Snuggle as often as you can. Listen to his music even when you cannot stand it so that you can talk to him about something that he loves. You cannot spoil a baby by holding him when he cries. Let your child know that holding hands with people that you love is okay, no matter how old you are or what gender. Take pictures. Write a journal. Play with playdough and finger paints and bubbles. Sidewalk chalk is good for everyone. Play hide and seek in the yard after dark. Teach your children about fireflies and faeries. Never let your child think, even for one second, that your love for him or her is anything less than unconditional.
~~
When Beth was a baby, she would take my face between her hands and pull my face close to hers, always in this forehead to forehead position. Then she would say in this funny, nasal tone, "look at meeeeeee cloooooose-lllllyyyyyyy." I never did figure out where that came from, but it was an endearing gesture repeated throughout her life. Rhodes took this photo when we took Beth on a picnic supper while she was in recovery at Cornerstone in 2014. It was the night she shared her process poster with us.
Look at me closely, Elizabeth Jean, and see how much I love you! Happy birthday to you, my beloved daughter.
🥰 Never let your child think, even for one second that your love is anything less than unconditional 🥰
ReplyDelete