After another such writing start today I realized that all I really need to tell you can be summed up in neat little line items. (Note, I didn't say bullet points, because #13, #15, #16.)
That a person who is grieving:
- Might cry uncontrollably at any time, day or night, without any reason that is apparent to an observer or to that person.
- Might seem to be functioning normally, even completing normal tasks.
- Might not have any memory of completing those tasks.
- Actually might not be able to complete normal tasks on any given day or night, and, in fact, might not remember the task needs to be done.
- Might not feel like or remember showering, or brushing their teeth, or remember that they wore that really cool Hawaiian shirt three days this week.
- Might not be able to get out of bed some days.
- Might not want to eat.
- Might eat too much.
- Might be irritable or crabby.
- Might lash out in anger that seems irrational or even volatile.
- Might go into a rage over seemingly inane matters.
- Might make rage-y threats against those who harmed their deceased love one.
- Might engage in self harming behaviors.
- Might feel overwhelmed.
- Might have suicidal ideation without actually being suicidal, and might actually be able to tell the difference; or
- Might be suicidal and completely unable to tell the difference.
- Might feel hopeless.
- Might dwell on the past.
- Might be overcome with guilt.
- Might not be able to sleep.
- Might have nightmares.
- Might sleep more than they are awake, which is not the same as not getting out of bed.
- Might participate in new activities, which can serve as a distraction.
- Might spend hours binge watching television or reading in an attempt to escape their own thoughts.
- Might have a sudden aversion to watching television or reading because of the thoughts they stir up.
- Might do their best to act like everything is fine and normal even when it is not, or even when it is detrimental to them to do so.
Here's where it starts to get tricky, friends. Because a person who is grieving also: - Might smile.
- Might laugh.
- Might have good days.
- Might be happy.
- Might feel hopeful.
- Might dare to plan for the future.
- Might have to move forward with normal life decisions, like buying a home when their rental property is no longer available, whether or not they can handle it.
- Might plant a garden.
- Might paint.
- Might write.
- Might socialize with friends for happy occasions.
- Might love.
- Might dare to try something new.
And the very trickiest thing of all: - Might do any or all of the above on any given minute or hour or day, in any given week, month, or year.
I know, right? It's crazy, and can be crazy making. But I'm asking you to remember that there is no timeline for processing grief, nor is there a timeline for healing from any type of mental illness, including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In my case, its been 858 days since my daughter died, and I've finally run out of the 800 or so days of distractions that kept me from doing the work I need to do to heal myself.
Part of that healing work is happening as a kind of companion planting. Claiming the Cottage and hoping and planning for our future here is as vital to my healing as is continuing in therapy. Every bloom, every rock put in place, every wall painted is a positive step.
Part of that healing work is happening as a kind of companion planting. Claiming the Cottage and hoping and planning for our future here is as vital to my healing as is continuing in therapy. Every bloom, every rock put in place, every wall painted is a positive step.
Please do your best to be mindful of what other people might be going through or processing. Please do your best to listen, and to remember to ask "how can I help."
Please do your best to be kind, always. And please, if you need help, do not hesitate to seek it.
Peace out, and blessed be.
~sb
Please do your best to be kind, always. And please, if you need help, do not hesitate to seek it.
Peace out, and blessed be.
~sb
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